this strange thing, trust.

it's weird, right? trust, i mean..

i don't know how to do it. where does the line lie between trust and foolishness? between trust and ignorance? hopelessness? desperation?

and once this line has been discovered, what's the difference between exploring this trust/it becoming faith and shading your views/becoming blind? it's even harder if this is how you've lived your life and the kinds of relationships you've been subjected to..so how is one to gain or give trust in new relationships which have been chosen independently?

alot of big words and philosophical thought all to say, trust is hard.



i can't count on my hands the people and relationships that have let me down before; too many times have i been hurt by someone else or let down myself bc i just don't get how something good is supposed to work.

[we learn by example, right? and we surround ourselves with who we want to be like, correct?]

it's hard enough to take care of myself, figure out myself, deal with myself, control myself..and then to try and let in someone i hardly know and try to work out some sort of relationship that we feel is meant to be? shoot..

[and please don't think this is in any way meant to be romantic or dramatic or about love in general - no, rather, this is about all relationships i have come to know: me-god, me-parents, me-boys, me-friends..]

without spilling my whole life story and sounding like i should wear thick black eyeliner, i only want to express how this mythical "trust" plays out in my life:

i don't. i just can't trust. i trust God, yes, but this is easy for me - He has forever been my constant when these humans let me down. i have trusted 3 people before and is absolutely one of the main factors in my lack of trust now..so how am i to be expected to trust this new wave of relationships tearing at my heart?? i want to give all i can (and usually do) but previous experience whispers in my ear how stupid i am to do this. and here goes the endless cycle of trusting then getting hurt then trusting with a little less then on and on. it's insane almost. but yet i continue to do so. somehow, it's harder for me to trust my friends (and actually girls) than it is for me to trust guys. what does this mean? are my friends actually closer to my heart? or am i typically girly and allow boys to have my trust more easily? how strange this concept of trust is.. perhaps when there is undoubted, committed and absolute soul and love and heart in the relationship, maybe then will i know what it is to fully trust a human.