heartbroken.

what an incredibly sad world we live in.

i've had to sit with so many people and kids and hear such awful life experiences that sometimes i find myself numb to it all..until im eating lunch and the highschool girl behind me starts word vomiting terrible things as if it's just another day for her, and it brings me back.

i went to panera yesterday for some food and a high school girl and guy walked in and sat behind me. before they even sat down and got their food, the girl was already unloading to her friend how much she hates her mom and how terrible her mom is and how badly she cant wait to get away and about all the arguments her and her mom get into - it broke my heart! here is this beautiful, young little girl (a BABY!) and she has these huge adult troubles that no one should have to go through..

after expressing her hatred for her mom, she started having a typical conversation as if the things she were going through were normal for anyone - explaining how her mother yells at her about working hard to put food on the table but they live on food stamps. and how she has to carpool with her siblings and friends because they dont all have cars and live in the same apartment complex. this girl didnt ask for any of these things, this situation that strains her family's relationship..

what an awful horrible disgusting world we live in! we are just babies..especially these tiny little girls and boys who are just now going through high school and have an entire world of pressure on their shoulders. and its only going to get worse. what can be done? the world is seriously coming to an end...and jesus is coming soon :)

it's rough.

i was so spoiled last year! now everything is turned upside down.

i'm ready for what's next...

this strange thing, trust.

it's weird, right? trust, i mean..

i don't know how to do it. where does the line lie between trust and foolishness? between trust and ignorance? hopelessness? desperation?

and once this line has been discovered, what's the difference between exploring this trust/it becoming faith and shading your views/becoming blind? it's even harder if this is how you've lived your life and the kinds of relationships you've been subjected to..so how is one to gain or give trust in new relationships which have been chosen independently?

alot of big words and philosophical thought all to say, trust is hard.



i can't count on my hands the people and relationships that have let me down before; too many times have i been hurt by someone else or let down myself bc i just don't get how something good is supposed to work.

[we learn by example, right? and we surround ourselves with who we want to be like, correct?]

it's hard enough to take care of myself, figure out myself, deal with myself, control myself..and then to try and let in someone i hardly know and try to work out some sort of relationship that we feel is meant to be? shoot..

[and please don't think this is in any way meant to be romantic or dramatic or about love in general - no, rather, this is about all relationships i have come to know: me-god, me-parents, me-boys, me-friends..]

without spilling my whole life story and sounding like i should wear thick black eyeliner, i only want to express how this mythical "trust" plays out in my life:

i don't. i just can't trust. i trust God, yes, but this is easy for me - He has forever been my constant when these humans let me down. i have trusted 3 people before and is absolutely one of the main factors in my lack of trust now..so how am i to be expected to trust this new wave of relationships tearing at my heart?? i want to give all i can (and usually do) but previous experience whispers in my ear how stupid i am to do this. and here goes the endless cycle of trusting then getting hurt then trusting with a little less then on and on. it's insane almost. but yet i continue to do so. somehow, it's harder for me to trust my friends (and actually girls) than it is for me to trust guys. what does this mean? are my friends actually closer to my heart? or am i typically girly and allow boys to have my trust more easily? how strange this concept of trust is.. perhaps when there is undoubted, committed and absolute soul and love and heart in the relationship, maybe then will i know what it is to fully trust a human.

faith in the cross.

the other day, i was driving home and started praying to God about all the people in my life, my relationships, and where i was to be and what i was to do this coming year and the year after.

its a big deal, ya know.. what im supposed to do after college and finally sacrifice myself to the "real world.." so i was freaking out.

its not so much that i dont know what im going to do with my life (i have no clue) or that im scared of the real world, its that i dont want to mess it up. i want to follow God's plan and do what He needs me to do/be where He needs me to be/etc. anyways, i was praying and stressing and swerving through lanes (just kidding) when a tow truck passed me. no big deal, but it was right as i was praying about all these worries and i noticed the back of the tow truck - the lift on the truck bed was in the shape of a giant steel cross.

incredible.

i found comfort and peace in the cross. literally. i stopped talking for a moment and recognized God's vast and immense power and His provision for His people. my worries gone, i knew then that God would take care of everything.

is it any wonder?

a few days ago, kyle's grandpa was set to have some crazy surgery to put a stint in his heart. he has been struggling with an illness lately and the surgery was intended to prevent a massive heart attack or any complications with his heart's health. kyle's parents and grandma were there with him for support at the hospital..but soon kyle's grandpa began to complain of incredible pain in his chest and that his left side was going numb. the doctors rushed him into surgery right then and opened up his heart and put in the stint. after, the doctors explained that had the heart attack happened elsewhere, with his health, age and location, he would have had to be rushed to the hospital and may not have had such a positive outcome with the surgery. now, kyle's grandpa is at home resting and doing well alongside kyle's grandma. incredible right? like kyle said, "he must have more to do for God's kingdom."

omniscient. omnipotent. omnipresent.

He is everywhere and in control of everything. how can we deny Him or turn away from Him?


Great are You, Lord
For we adore You
Lift up Your name
And fall before You
We stand in awe
We sing great are You, Lord
We lift up our voice
We sing holy, holy
Hallelujah
To the one and only
Forevermore
We’ll sing great are You, Lord

Through endless ages You will reign
Yet every season You’re the same
Is it any wonder
Is it any wonder

The pow’r of Your redeeming plan
The grace that offers life to man
Is it any wonder
Is it any wonder – we sing

-great is our god, phillips craig & dean