what an incredibly sad world we live in.
i've had to sit with so many people and kids and hear such awful life experiences that sometimes i find myself numb to it all..until im eating lunch and the highschool girl behind me starts word vomiting terrible things as if it's just another day for her, and it brings me back.
i went to panera yesterday for some food and a high school girl and guy walked in and sat behind me. before they even sat down and got their food, the girl was already unloading to her friend how much she hates her mom and how terrible her mom is and how badly she cant wait to get away and about all the arguments her and her mom get into - it broke my heart! here is this beautiful, young little girl (a BABY!) and she has these huge adult troubles that no one should have to go through..
after expressing her hatred for her mom, she started having a typical conversation as if the things she were going through were normal for anyone - explaining how her mother yells at her about working hard to put food on the table but they live on food stamps. and how she has to carpool with her siblings and friends because they dont all have cars and live in the same apartment complex. this girl didnt ask for any of these things, this situation that strains her family's relationship..
what an awful horrible disgusting world we live in! we are just babies..especially these tiny little girls and boys who are just now going through high school and have an entire world of pressure on their shoulders. and its only going to get worse. what can be done? the world is seriously coming to an end...and jesus is coming soon :)
8.17.2010
8.14.2010
it's rough.
i was so spoiled last year! now everything is turned upside down.
i'm ready for what's next...
i'm ready for what's next...
8.02.2010
this strange thing, trust.
it's weird, right? trust, i mean..
i don't know how to do it. where does the line lie between trust and foolishness? between trust and ignorance? hopelessness? desperation?
and once this line has been discovered, what's the difference between exploring this trust/it becoming faith and shading your views/becoming blind? it's even harder if this is how you've lived your life and the kinds of relationships you've been subjected to..so how is one to gain or give trust in new relationships which have been chosen independently?
alot of big words and philosophical thought all to say, trust is hard.
i can't count on my hands the people and relationships that have let me down before; too many times have i been hurt by someone else or let down myself bc i just don't get how something good is supposed to work.
[we learn by example, right? and we surround ourselves with who we want to be like, correct?]
it's hard enough to take care of myself, figure out myself, deal with myself, control myself..and then to try and let in someone i hardly know and try to work out some sort of relationship that we feel is meant to be? shoot..
[and please don't think this is in any way meant to be romantic or dramatic or about love in general - no, rather, this is about all relationships i have come to know: me-god, me-parents, me-boys, me-friends..]
without spilling my whole life story and sounding like i should wear thick black eyeliner, i only want to express how this mythical "trust" plays out in my life:
i don't. i just can't trust. i trust God, yes, but this is easy for me - He has forever been my constant when these humans let me down. i have trusted 3 people before and is absolutely one of the main factors in my lack of trust now..so how am i to be expected to trust this new wave of relationships tearing at my heart?? i want to give all i can (and usually do) but previous experience whispers in my ear how stupid i am to do this. and here goes the endless cycle of trusting then getting hurt then trusting with a little less then on and on. it's insane almost. but yet i continue to do so. somehow, it's harder for me to trust my friends (and actually girls) than it is for me to trust guys. what does this mean? are my friends actually closer to my heart? or am i typically girly and allow boys to have my trust more easily? how strange this concept of trust is.. perhaps when there is undoubted, committed and absolute soul and love and heart in the relationship, maybe then will i know what it is to fully trust a human.
i don't know how to do it. where does the line lie between trust and foolishness? between trust and ignorance? hopelessness? desperation?
and once this line has been discovered, what's the difference between exploring this trust/it becoming faith and shading your views/becoming blind? it's even harder if this is how you've lived your life and the kinds of relationships you've been subjected to..so how is one to gain or give trust in new relationships which have been chosen independently?
alot of big words and philosophical thought all to say, trust is hard.
i can't count on my hands the people and relationships that have let me down before; too many times have i been hurt by someone else or let down myself bc i just don't get how something good is supposed to work.
[we learn by example, right? and we surround ourselves with who we want to be like, correct?]
it's hard enough to take care of myself, figure out myself, deal with myself, control myself..and then to try and let in someone i hardly know and try to work out some sort of relationship that we feel is meant to be? shoot..
[and please don't think this is in any way meant to be romantic or dramatic or about love in general - no, rather, this is about all relationships i have come to know: me-god, me-parents, me-boys, me-friends..]
without spilling my whole life story and sounding like i should wear thick black eyeliner, i only want to express how this mythical "trust" plays out in my life:
i don't. i just can't trust. i trust God, yes, but this is easy for me - He has forever been my constant when these humans let me down. i have trusted 3 people before and is absolutely one of the main factors in my lack of trust now..so how am i to be expected to trust this new wave of relationships tearing at my heart?? i want to give all i can (and usually do) but previous experience whispers in my ear how stupid i am to do this. and here goes the endless cycle of trusting then getting hurt then trusting with a little less then on and on. it's insane almost. but yet i continue to do so. somehow, it's harder for me to trust my friends (and actually girls) than it is for me to trust guys. what does this mean? are my friends actually closer to my heart? or am i typically girly and allow boys to have my trust more easily? how strange this concept of trust is.. perhaps when there is undoubted, committed and absolute soul and love and heart in the relationship, maybe then will i know what it is to fully trust a human.
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